What’s in my mouth?


You are really thirsty. What do you do about it?

If you think like me, there are usually two options available.

  1. You find a free tap to stick your mouth on to. (No cup means no dishes)
  2. You crack open some Sun-Ripe.

Like most children, my brother and I spent our youth competitively chugging water. Because of this, both scenarios typically involve drinking until it’s physically unsafe to drink anymore.   Doing so on a regular basis encourages stomach flexibility. This, in turn, indirectly promotes belligerence. It also offers unparalleled thirst quenching and, in the case of the juice, a sugar high akin to drinking a few shots of maple syrup. Most of the time, both drink choices end up working out alright.

I didn’t think sucking water out of the tap could be dangerous until I did so at a construction site yesterday. I ended up tasting metal for two hours while nursing dry mouth and a headache the rest of the day. I felt pretty stupid because I know that even though water comes out it doesn’t mean you should drink it. For a split second, I felt like one of those world vision kiddies.

But just like life, things don’t always work out the way you’d like. Some times what you are hoping for doesn’t end up in your mouth. Kind of like telling your girlfriend you just bought a bunch of candy, then playing the “close your eyes and open your mouth” game.

Playing my version of “what’s in my mouth” tends to only happen when I go for the juice.

If you are like me, you probably have multiple kinds of juice in your fridge. You also enjoy recycling your juice containers into makeshift liquor satchels. What you end up with is a game of chance.

You go for the juice, but now you have four possible items in your mouth.

  1.  Juice
  2.  A stiff drink that tasted too bad to finish, but tasty enough to save
  3.  Expired juice
  4.  Straight liquor

I often wake up thirsty. Rolling the dice first thing in the morning is the worst. Try being late for class, thirsty as fuck, and accidently slamming 200-300 mL of Gin at 9am. Luckily, Jimmy’s come equipped with autopilot and liquor doesn’t enter your bloodstream for 30 min.

The stiff drink is slightly worse, because usually you don’t realize before it’s too late. Occasionally you end up with other peoples stuff in your mouth; also not good. Thinking about having someone elses juice in my mouth makes me want to vom.

If you’re lucky you end up tasting that sweet taste of god’s dirty nectar in your mouth you have definitely won the game. Correct me if I’m wrong but I’m pretty sure being able to enjoy the [forbidden] fruit makes you human. Thanks Eve.

The worst case scenario is when you chug an exorbitant amount of old juice.

I don’t mean juice that is a couple days past its prime. I am talking about that rogue bottle, too bad ass to wear a lid. Or that stinky little Tetrapack with the gaping hole under its plastic mouth spout.

Both situations allow the juice to ferment if left unattended for a few weeks. Depending on the type of juice and the health of your fridge’s eco-system, you are left with some bonus texture in the form or bacteria cultures or mold spores, and a subtle tinge of booze to cut the taste of death.

If it’s not obvious already, this has happened to me more than once. The best way to deal with the after effects of drinking a half liter of foaled juice in less than a second is to vomit immediately or to chase it with straight liquor to kill anything that might be alive.

Needless to say, having this happen to you first hand is a less than desirable situation. It is one of the only ways to lose the game “what’s in my mouth”. To me it would seem obvious that, if given the choice, nobody is knowingly going to pick the micro-ecosystem of spoiled juice to put in their mouth.

Imagine if this is actually what people wanted.

Thankfully we don’t live in a world where sensible minds are in control of product development in the food and beverage industry. We live in a wonderful world where people enjoy eating and drinking all sorts of fucked up health potions.

Never forget there will always be someone there to put something disgusting in your mouth if you want.

The perfect example has gained popularity recently, and is called Kombucha.


For the longest time, I just assumed it was some sort of weird beverage. Naïve to the fact it is literally the same thing as pungent Sun-Ripe, I decided I should give it a chance and try some out for myself.

As I peered into the murky green bottle, the first clue I shouldn’t drink it was pretty obvious. Whatever grows in there is so physiologically advanced that it has grown a complex system of roots to feed itself. I personally have something against drinking advanced life forms.

I shake the fuck out hoping that it’s just natural separation or something normal. At this point I didn’t know that shaking it only makes the mushroom angry.

I take a big drink.

What do you know… it’s actually dirty old juice swimming with bacteria and fungus.

Fuck you Whole Foods.





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