Butter and coffee



 “Hey Kevin, your coffee looks fucked up.”

 “Yeah, might have something to do with the all the butter I mixed in.”


Yeah that’s right, instead of cream, I’ve once again started to use butter in my coffee. Two or three tablespoons of butter plopped right in the middle of my morning coffee. This works out to roughly 500 bonus calories. So by the time you sucked back your nasty cereal, I’m starting lunch. That’s called getting ahead.

The benefits of this little bit of butter are huge. You feel awake and full all morning. More alert and less worried about lunch means you get way more done. I used to get hungry around 10:30am, now I’m barely hungry by noon. As long as you don’t mind feeling like you have fat stuck in your lymph nodes for a couple hours, you should be okay with buttered coffee.

Much like a car, your body converts the energy stored in food to more useful forms of energy. For me, it is mostly brain power and flexing my ass cheeks to a catchy tune. So really, why not load it up with energy? How many times have you been pissed off at too much gas in your car?

It’s actually too bad our body can’t digest gasoline better because it really could solve a bunch of problems. One cup of gasoline has roughly 1900 calories. You could literally survive off a small cup of gasoline a day if your pussy ass little organs weren’t so frail. Talk about innovative ways to address the global food crisis.

I don’t want to hear your bullshit about butter not being healthy. You clearly need better butter. If you are bold enough to follow my lead, you have to get the right butter. Find yourself some high quality butter from cows who only eat grass. This is an extremely important piece of the puzzle.

Cows are massive. They also have 4 stomachs. They are basically designed by god himself to suck all the good green stuff (nutrients) out of grass. Why do you think their shit isn’t green?

Just like you, cows eat grass and shit waste. Everything else the cow ends up building into its massive frame, with the exception of its milk. Your milk quality is a continuous representation of your body’s health because it is made with whatever you eat. Don’t believe me? Go a couple days of only eating Mcdoubles and drinking Old Milwaukee and give your milk a sniff. The same thing happens to cows.

Think about this scenario… You are out getting drunk in the forest and you meet two cows. Things are going good and you seem to have a good connection with both cows. After a couple more drinks, you find out one cow only eats grass and the other cow only eats garbage. End of the night comes along and you have to choose which tit you are going to suckle on for the night… the garbage cow, or the grass cow. Which cow are you going to pick?

This is essentially what you are doing when shopping for butter in the grocery isle and to a lesser extent, picking up ladies at the bar. So smarten the fuck up, don’t pick the garbage cow and load up your coffee with the good shit. 


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