Butter and coffee

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 “Hey Kevin, your coffee looks fucked up.”

 “Yeah, might have something to do with the all the butter I mixed in.”

“…….What?”

Yeah that’s right, instead of cream, I’ve once again started to use butter in my coffee. Two or three tablespoons of butter plopped right in the middle of my morning coffee. This works out to roughly 500 bonus calories. So by the time you sucked back your nasty cereal, I’m starting lunch. That’s called getting ahead.

The benefits of this little bit of butter are huge. You feel awake and full all morning. More alert and less worried about lunch means you get way more done. I used to get hungry around 10:30am, now I’m barely hungry by noon. As long as you don’t mind feeling like you have fat stuck in your lymph nodes for a couple hours, you should be okay with buttered coffee.

Much like a car, your body converts the energy stored in food to more useful forms of energy. For me, it is mostly brain power and flexing my ass cheeks to a catchy tune. So really, why not load it up with energy? How many times have you been pissed off at too much gas in your car?

It’s actually too bad our body can’t digest gasoline better because it really could solve a bunch of problems. One cup of gasoline has roughly 1900 calories. You could literally survive off a small cup of gasoline a day if your pussy ass little organs weren’t so frail. Talk about innovative ways to address the global food crisis.

I don’t want to hear your bullshit about butter not being healthy. You clearly need better butter. If you are bold enough to follow my lead, you have to get the right butter. Find yourself some high quality butter from cows who only eat grass. This is an extremely important piece of the puzzle.

Cows are massive. They also have 4 stomachs. They are basically designed by god himself to suck all the good green stuff (nutrients) out of grass. Why do you think their shit isn’t green?

Just like you, cows eat grass and shit waste. Everything else the cow ends up building into its massive frame, with the exception of its milk. Your milk quality is a continuous representation of your body’s health because it is made with whatever you eat. Don’t believe me? Go a couple days of only eating Mcdoubles and drinking Old Milwaukee and give your milk a sniff. The same thing happens to cows.

Think about this scenario… You are out getting drunk in the forest and you meet two cows. Things are going good and you seem to have a good connection with both cows. After a couple more drinks, you find out one cow only eats grass and the other cow only eats garbage. End of the night comes along and you have to choose which tit you are going to suckle on for the night… the garbage cow, or the grass cow. Which cow are you going to pick?

This is essentially what you are doing when shopping for butter in the grocery isle and to a lesser extent, picking up ladies at the bar. So smarten the fuck up, don’t pick the garbage cow and load up your coffee with the good shit. 

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Kale

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Look how healthy that shit looks.

You might not know this by now, but kale is superfood. This does not mean super tasty food as I foolishly once assumed. It means that it is super good for you. Beyond this blanket statement of being healthy, I really have no idea how kale affects my body, nor do I really care. All I care about is how much of those leafy bastards I can stuff into my gut because they are going to make me healthy.

Mentioning my explicit consumption levels of kale to people is met with two different types of responses every time. Here is how my conversations usually play out.

Me – “I usually try and pound back a bundle of kale every day.”

Simple1 –  “Oh that’s great, kale is so healthy!”

Me – “Ya I know.”

Foodie2 – “It’s not good to eat that much raw every day you should cut back to a few times a week. They’re super high in oxalates! Don’t want you getting kidney stones”

 Me – “I hear those little fuckers feel pretty good, probably healthy to give the ol’ jap eye a good stretch once an a while anyways.”

To be honest, my body is generally pretty fucked already so a bunch of rocks coming out of my cock wouldn’t be the end of the world; especially when I’m sitting in my castle at 104 years young. I’m ready to make minor sacrifices to get superfood benefits.

When I eat a head of kale it doesn’t make me feel healthy. Regardless of what I decide to do after, I usually feel like shit. That being said, some post-kale activities are far worse than others.

I once decided to eat an entire bunch immediately before setting out on on an evening jog. It seemed like a great idea at the time. How about I combine the health benefits of kale and running! I made it roughly 2 km from my house before I realized that something might be wrong. The spring in my step abruptly disappeared as my gut became a makeshift war zone. My body was preparing for battle against the influx of leafy greens splashing around inside.

At first, I thought i was going to shit myself for sure. I was now 2km away from a toilet and not happy about it. I could either run faster and risk leakage or slow down and risk a major blow out. As I sped up to a full on shit sprint, that crafty fucking kale went for a sneak attack.

If you have ever seen someone with their asshole clenched projectile vomit a head of kale at full sprint, you either have awesome friends or you were living in Kitsilano during the summer of 2013. This was one of those scenes that would have been appalling for a stranger but hilarious for any of your friends to witness.

I made it home without shitting myself. That night, it became clear running was far too dangerous for me. Kale remains an important part of my healthy lifestyle.